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01.01.2006
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June 25, 2005
Me, a singleton
Permanent link ▫ ▫  
Singleton. Today I finally realise how pathetic my existence as a singleton on a Friday night in a shopping complex catching a movie on my own (with my ownself as my company) and being sandwiched between a laughing "hynea" and his talkative friend and a man without shoes but with smelly socks and his girlfriend and her water bottle. I was watching The Hitchiker's Guide To The Galaxy (something like that) and no one wanted to watch with me, so like what I did once in a while, I went alone. Bad sign, because I lost my parking ticket so I had to pay RM20-00 for what should have been RM1-00 parking fee. I really do not know where the heck is the ticket. Got myself a good seat. Wandered around the shopping complex, no money to spend so spent the next 1 hour in MPH reading. Went to the cinema, saw either families, lovers, friends or couples, and me all alone. It was for that one split second, where my silence (no one to talk to you see) was defeaning; and I was wondering why am I all alone, no friends, no family, no boyfriends but just me, catching a movie alone, dinner alone, window shopping alone, totally silent for like 5 hours or so. I am at that age where a few of my school friends got married and they're into their 2nd or 3rd pregnancy. But my closest friends are all like me, singletons but they go to pubs, clubs, whatever. I hate noisy places so there I was, all alone. I felt kinda pathetic as couples walked by, looking at me all alone. Was it a pitiful glance I saw or was it a smirk that I was alone, and I should be because I am not exactly supermodel or model or even sub model material? I really felt it in the cinema, that feeling, that doubt. Very rare do I feel like that, but I was.
And then the hyena started laughing, that guy with the smelly socks and I was thinking I chose the wrong time to watch a movie. It was a 9.30pm show and that time belong to couples. Wholesome people are earlier shows. I was thinking if I had that hyena as my partner of the day, I'd rather be alone.
Alone but was I lonely? A tiny bit. It would be great to have someone to talk to before or after a movie. That would be just nice, in fact better to have someone to talk to during dinner. I was so silent, 5 hours, not one word except, "Bill please..I want this, I want that..." and I was so poor today thanks to the myterious vanishing ticket. Bad luck.
But after awhile and a very short while, I was ok again. I enjoy being alone, I may wish I have someone holding my hands sometime or taking me to movies and all. But I did mention in the Shout Box about being tied down on Saturdays and Sundays because of Jewel In The Palace. Imagine this show is a person, I will definitely have no chance for other activities. My sister once said she wants to marry a National Geographic photographer and I asked why. She said "No need to see him all the time". It's selfish thought but there is wisdom in her words.
Am I proud to be a singleton? I wonder what is there for me to feel ashamed of? But there are times I see the advantage of being attached to someone, but for me I can't imagine myself loving someone for the rest of my life and having to cater my life to suit this person. I am at that selfish self centred stage, which should have passed when I hit my mid twenties I guess. BUT I was always a late bloomer; it might hit me sometime later when I finally meet someone I feel I could do just that. But at this moment, I wish but I can't you know.
Anyway, I was pathetic tonight. Kinda put me off watching movies alone. Watch with family also as troublesome. I definitely need a good social life; but really I am very bad at introducing and keeping a conversation alive with a stranger. I am not exactly chatty.
I need help, if not forever I shall remain a singleton. I don't wish so, just maybe 6 times a week I want to be a singleton.
I am still cursing about that lost ticket.
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9 COMMENTS
I think that you were only having an 'off' day yesterday..meaning feeling pathetic about your single status which you usually don't.Hey,it's very normal as I do feel that way too once in a while.Just a few days ago,I twisted my ankle and couldn't walk properly and I was thinking how nice for me to have someone to fetch me around because I was in pain and feeling sorry for myself.Anyway what is it with the couples who throw pitiful glances when they a see a girl/woman alone?
Hope you are over your pathetic blue (what am i saying?)
I went to movies I wanted to see on my own, took up pipa music lessons, japanese lessons etc. Thinking back, I might have wasted a bit of money there, as I didn't retain much of the lessons. But hey if you're single, just make the best of the situation. You have the freedom to do what you choose. Just find friends who are also single status and do activities that you have in common.
I am sure sooner or later, you will meet that special someone and then there's never enough time to do anything anymore. But a bit of advice, since I dated late too, that these pangs of loneliness will come and go, and may become stronger as you get older and more and more friends are no longer single. But as long as you occupy yourself and keep busy, you will be ok. :)
But there are days when I feel like the happiest person on earth just to curl up on the couch and watch TV series!
I do crave for all that hand-holding, etc. etc. sometimes but at others, I'm grateful I have such a great famiy I don't mind spending time with either.
I'm being very contradicting here, but then again, that's how I'm feeling right now. I do want a boyfriend but on the other hand, I feel the need to establish my own identify first before I can be somebody else's other half.
By the way, you should be thanking your lucky stars and you're not the girlfriend of the hyena guy nor the man with smelly socks! We girls would be better off by ourselves than with men with smelly socks!
Have a good weekend!
Debbie
P.S. Will get to Shaun after finals on Monday!
Everyone gets lonely in a while, just the same as times when you just want to be alone.
I think we are just the minority of our peers who don't like clubbing or rave parties. There is definately nothing wrong with us prefering to read a book.
Most of the friends I graduated high school with are walking around either in pairs (couples), or in threes or fours (kids).
In my year book, there at least 10 people that predicted I would still be single at the age of 40.
I sometimes go out by myself and the same as you, people stare at me as if I am a freak going out alone, and the classmates I bump into on the streets tell me I am very misreable and that they pity me (yeah, and who's the one juggling around with two toddlers, smoking like a chimney and 7-months pregnant and looking like they just climbed out of a drainpipe?).
Anyway, being single is not all that bad. At least you can do what you want, when you want, eat what you wnat and never have to worry about so-and-so's parents coming to visit.
I tend to want to wait till I am more mature before starting relationships because a relationship can shatter easily with two immature people who don't knwo how to handle ecah other.
Anyway, you might want to plan ahead for outings with close friendswho have the same interests (like 1 month early) so you friends can put aside the time for you, rather than with their BFs (speaking of which, my friend got dumped for wnating to spend 100% of her waking hours with her BF. He wanted time for himself, which proves that all people need personal space, which I happen to have a lot of. Yippee!)
Go out once in a while for coffee, shopping, movies, or even bowling or ice skating with some friends (and their BFs if they come), and enjoy yourself while you can! (when your carrer gets rolling, you won't even remember what you are worrying about now!)
Cheers!
Elizabeth
But Elizabeth, why would anyone wants to write "in my year book, there at least 10 people that predicted I would still be single at the age of 40."? That's bad, or they mean you enjoy your independance?
There is a good thing about having a husband other than the stuff I mentioned. Economics. Maybe can but a house together? Combined income?
Which is why if I ever marry I want to marry a rich man. Quite simply because I am materialistic to put it plainly. We are all young, when we come to a certain age believe me, we all want a family. This includes men who says now I don't want children and when they hit 40 or 50, their wives too old for children, there they go, younger wives!
It was a joke by my friends who know that I enjoy my spinsterhood and how picky and intolerant I am.
This particular friend enjoyed reading palms, and wrote that out as a joke. My other friends found out and signed their names on for fun, and added their own details.
However, the ones who weren't my friends wrote "Look forward to seeing you old, haggard and alone at the school reunion!" This was actually the pregnant lady with two kids and smoking I mentioned earlier.
I agree with you that we should start a family while we still can physiologically, but I don't see the point of desperately seeking mates on the streets just for the pressure of being teased. This needs special consideration for the family to be stable and healthy!
I sometimes do feel tired of taking care if everything myself, and want someone to lean on, but i just want to make sure the pillar I lean on is not made up of crappy materials that will crumble at the slightest weight.
Am I proud of being a singleton? Maybe, especially when I think of all the freedom and space I have right now... But deep down, I would really love to have someone to share my good and bad times with, someone whom I can depend on for emotional support, someone who will grow old with me, cos by the time that happens, close friends would all have been too busy with their own families to attend to u.
I know, I'm 23 only and people have been telling me that I'm still young, but just can't help feeling that maybe here's something wrong with me that makes me still-single among an entire generation of couples.
But it's true, I'm a very isolated person. Too defensive, can't hold a conversation, uncomfortable with making friends, hate clubbing, would rather stay home. I'm also starting to think, maybe my expectations are too high too... So yah, like u, I need help too. I mean, I can imagine how I would still be a singleton when I'm old and frail.
But of course, like Daybee said, there are times when I feel like the happiest person on earth just to curl up on the couch and watch TV and movies which I want to watch (imagine if I have different taste in movies and I have to get dragged to watch something which I don't want too or vice versa!), or to go dancing whereever I please.
Ok, before this turns into another mindless rambling of mine, hope u're feeling much better now ^^. Make the best out of ur freedom! But at the same time, hope u'll meet someone special one day too!
Spend some time thinking about it you'll find that it's quite funny actually. As for relationships, I just let it be. Live the life you want, and as long as you continue to meet new people, it'll be alright.
I frowned upon those that rush into a relationship just so that they can say they're in one. Usually they don't stay attached long. And they don't atay unattached long either. Hopping to the next available person with a snap of a finger.
I've always prefered to watch movies alone. I find watching movies that way I get more satisfaction. Choosing a movie when watching in a group can be very frustrating. You may walk out raving about the movie only hear how bored your companions were for the last 2 hours. So when I watch in a group, I usually let others choose the movie while I'll go on my own to watch the ones I really want to watch.
I never had a problem with what movies to watch with my friends as I am often the leader of the group and I choose the movies and my friends are very easy going and going out to watch movies is just an excuse to see one another, like celebrating birthdays.
Anyway I kinda realised what I was describing isn't so much as loneliness. My family went away on a trip for a week leaving me alone and I quite like it (except during power failures). But then I knew they would be coming back. So at this point I am not really talking about loneliness. Rather the ackwardness of it all and I am very curious whY I felt like that you know.
One more question; with the exception of very few and I guess the rest are young as in early 20s? How come intelligent well mannered polite articulate people like you guys and girls are still single?? Why? WHY?!?!??!??! There should be like a line from s'gapore to Penang to catch you attention, to worship your gorgeous being, you know. I mean I have never seen you for real (except for Pearl and I am of the opinion she is pretty and very pleasant) but I would guess an someone who can write like you (generally all those who answered my posts) should be , if not gorgeous at least you know wow! type. I'm sorry, I am prone to being very vain you see, and I do love gorgeous people but being beautiful only by looks sometimes is just too boring and yet being too articulate and intelligent is sometimes too overbearing.
BUT WHAT CAN I DO when I am blessed with such qualities, all of them?
You see! I am back to my old self!
Thanks for all the advice. But the feeling will come back when I am alone in a cinema questioning why am I alone and during valentine's day which I simply dislike. You all know why right? Yeahhhh...everywhere also so crowded! My friend and I made the mistake of going jalan-jalan during this dreaded day and we all laughed looking at guys running with their bouquet of flowers to greet their girlfriends, looking rather stressed. Did I feel like I want to be the receiving end? Not really, not on that day.
My friends always have this silly game everytime we meet like discussing about you know our future unseen other half. And it always ended with Mary (the romantic one who loves pink) saying "all men who pursued her are garbage" (because they're all lesser beings than her which is true, she is very smart), Josephine saying "why bother?" but she always goes to cafes to see the singers (unknowns mind you) and never leave until the last song (would be groupie if you ask me), Wyone saying she had her heart broken once, rather not the second time but hopes for one one day (prettiest amongst us all and the nicest body shape) and me?
Well...me...I always end it by saying my expectations are too high and if I expect that of my other half, I am sure my other half expects that of me, and so not to disappoint him and myself, I think for now I shall remain single until I meet someone rich enough to fulfil my every material wants. At least I don't need to worry about my bills.
Very materialistic I know, but I am sure each one of you has an expectation of your other half and the joke is when you do meet that someone, they're totally opposite of what you hoped for?