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April 05, 2006

The day I realise I am an adult & how does one deal with grief? 
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So when are you an adult? When you start to behave like one? When you start to work? When you have a boyfriend? When you marry? When you move out of your parents' house and live a life independently devoid of any restriction, curfews and rules? When you start to contribute to your family's monthly expenses?

In all accounts if I follow the definition above, I am still a child. But my question has nothing to do with maturity, monetary contributions to your family or where you're living.

Today I realise with dread that my income for year 2005 may be taxable. I will need to open a file with the income tax office, I will need to submit my income tax forms and I may need to start paying my government some of my money. The amount is not huge at all since I don't earn a lot but the idea that I am now a taxable working person, adult or otherwise kinda shocked me to...well to no end. I am now taxable. TAXABLE! Of course my accountant friend after going through my account and all may at the end reach the conclusion I may not be taxable after all for year 2005 but come 2006 I am definitely taxable since I just got a raise.

A raise is a good thing but filling in tax forms kinda is a drag you know? My family says ahhh very easy one lar! Maybe but somehow I am not comfortable with the idea that I am now taxable.

Anyway one good thing though. Now I can legitimately say that "Our government ahhhhh take our money and do what? WHAT? Build more tolls!".

The downside including all of the above and the fact that I will have to part with some of my money once a year is of course I have to keep all my receipts for my books and stuff.

Life as a taxpayer is a drag I tell you. I just hope I can earn enough one day to have an accountant to do all that for me.

But hey! My best friend is an accountant! Bad news though, she was the one who reminded me I may need to pay tax or face a huge fine and/or jailtime and she said ignorance of the law is not a defence.

A pity she didn't study law because she definitely upped me on that one. Now I am sweating...taxable! Open account! Submit form! What if wrong calculation and I need to pay thousands and thousands and thousands?

Yes I am a natural worrier and if there is a gold medal for the world's most worrier of all worriers, I will win bronze maybe since I tend to have days of utter calm and coolness and then again descend into utter worrying.

A sad thing happened though last week. My secretary's husband died of heart attack at the age of 37. She took one week leave and may leave me forever and I will have to find a new secretary. These past few days without her was very very hectic. I realise now how responsible she is. She may not know much of her work, and makes some mistake but she often reminds me of my diary, take nasty calls on my behalf and best yet, photostate and fax for me and all I had to do was to sneak a few moments of sleep in the comfort of my office. But then these few days made me realise also how hard working I could be. I hope she doesn't leave but apparently she doesn't get on well with her in laws and really I wonder why? She is soft spoken, kindly, sometimes quite playful (she is older than I am and a mother of 2 young children and still she can be quite playful with another secretary whom she is very close with)and never once complain whenever I had her photostating tons of stuff, stapling and de-stapling and re-stapling the same document again and again and again. I feel kinda dread since I so depend on her like I so depend on my internet. But life goes on and I do feel sorry for her. But she seems super calm when I spoke to her and though she may speak with a squeak (can give Charmaine Sheh a run for her money in terms of voice), I realise she has the courage of steel. I hope she stays on in this big city since her two children are better off here than in some small town. Imagine being a widow all of a sudden at the age of I think 34. I remember in the morning I got a phonecall from office that said she couldn't come to work because her husband was sick and going to the hospital. I was like cursing because that day was my busiest day of all days and one hour later I got a phonecall who said her husband died and never made it to the hospital. In fact he died some hours ago during the night and nobody knew. I was shocked beyond reason. And this incident made me realise one more thing;

I do not know how to deal with grief or rather I do not know how to deal with people in grief. I have yet to be in a situation where I lost someone I truly care about and I will go through that phase sometime in the future which I dread. How do you deal with immense loss? How do you deal with people having gone through such loss? Do you comfort them? Do you keep silent and walk away hoping they'll be alright? That day at her house I chose the latter. Frankly I wasn't close to her or her husband at all. But mainly I did not know how to comfort her. I did not know how to hug someone and cry with them since again I really felt nothing but shock. After the shock was frankly nothing.

One time I almost felt something was when one afternoon some years back a friend I knew since high school suddenly called me at my office which was rare. I thought she was laughing over the phone and I was quite annoyed when I realised she was actually crying, and I mean really crying. I was shocked. She said through her sobs her mom just died at home and she rushed back. She said her mom had cancer. And all those while I saw her mom looking frail, thin and without hair and I didn't suspect a thing. I told her I would drop by her house that night. That night I went to her house and she was all calm again. You see this friend of mine is a very strong person and to hear her crying like that shocked me momentarily. After that she was ok. She later confessed I was the first person she called. I always wondered why. I never thought I was her bestest of friends but that day I realise she held me in high regard as a friend as she shared with me her grief. Sometime that night at home I was almost in tears. Because I remember one week before her mother died, my friend was going out to dinner with me and some other friends and her mother was complaining her daughter was always going out and returning late at night. I remember jokingly I told her mom "Aunty, don't worry. I will make sure she comes home not too late". One week later she was gone. I wasn't close to her mother at all but I felt, actually almost felt the loss. I was quite spooked to see her body in her room covered with a blanket. Later when I went to my friend's house again I saw many things stacked and my friend was complaining about her mother having bought salt and sugar and then forgetting where she put them and then go buying them again. I felt a sense of loss then when I heard those words.

I know one day someone I care about will pass on. My mother is not young anymore. I am not a filial daughter nor am I a bad daughter. Just average normal daughter more on the complaining a lot side. But I wonder one day when I do lose that someone I care about, will I cry like my friend did over the phone? She never did cry like that in front of me anymore. I believe I would be very cold as like I said I do not know how to deal with grief. I may not be in denial but I am not a very warm expressive person when it comes to emotions and when I am required to show those emotions in public. I did cry once in front of my sister as I couldn't hold back my tears after a huge argument with her and I had to surf the net to calm down (yes internet is my theraphy, sort of) and she came to apologise and I refused to look at her but all was well later that night.

I hope when that one day I feel that immense sense of loss that I feel the need to cry and really cry, I hope I would have a shoulder to cry on. Any shoulder. I doubt I would ever be married or with children. Come to think of it being a taxpayer is not so bad. Being alone and lonely is worse. I hate married couples with children.

3 COMMENTS

 Anonymous writes ...

Funn, doesn't part of the tax already come off your paycheck? You mean in Malaysia they actually wait until the year is over before paying tax? In North America, most of our wage go to the taxman before we ever see it. Another question. Does the tax system in Malaysia use flat rate or does the tax percentage go up as your wage increases? For example, the first 10,000 is tax at a lower rate, then the next 10,000 at a higher?

I can certainly relate to you when it comes to not knowing what to do in grieving situations. I remember when my dad had an allergy reaction to some high cholesteral pills and had to go to the hospital. I thought of the worst. I was so worried but having my harden personality, I was unable to cry to release my pressure. The pressure and worries began building up in me day by day and then finally one early, early morning, I woke up with an extremely fast heartbeat and I was unable to breath. I thought I was having an heart attack. I was taken to the hospital and they diagnosed me as having an anxiety attack. I guess that is just the way I am. Never letting anyone see my weak side.

And yes, when you meet someone or know someone for a while, you will naturally create an image of them in your mind. You may think that person is weak while in reality they are strong or vice versa. I know. I was very shocked and scared in fact when I saw a grown man cry in real life for the first time. I thought men only bleed but not release tears. But that's not the case. Both men and women have feelings and they must be able to release them in some ways. Crying is way better then violence.

11:19 am, April 05, 2006  

 Funn Lim writes ...

MY, although I thought it was mandatory, actually there are 2 options; one is deducted monthly from your pay and the other is after assessment you pay. My employer doesn't deduct and since my tax is not high, I can opt to pay one lump sum. And yes, it is based on percentage as wage increases, also depend on how many children you have, medical and other stuff. No such thing as flat rate.

12:09 am, April 08, 2006  

 wuchang writes ...

Nothing surer in life than death and taxes.

Like you, I too find it difficult to deal with another person's grief. No answer to that. What I've always done is to give the person space and not mention the cause of the grief unless brought up by the person. I don't know if that's the best way but that's personally how I would want it if the person was me.

12:36 am, April 14, 2006